*Very* fine hair...

Situation: Owners have spent £2,000 on a purebred "American Bulldog" pup.

Vet: Has he always looked like this?

Owner: Oh, yes! Hasn't he got very fine hair?

Vet: Er...He hasn't got any hair.

Staffie with generalised demodectic mange...

That's a bit harsh on the cat...

As we have rounds in the cat ward, a particularly noisy Siamese cat seeks our attention -

Ben: "Do you know, she sounds and looks exactly like Barbara Streisand..."

Well, that's all okay then

Talking to owners who had returned to collect their dog, having been touring the town centre to kill time during the day -

Clinician: "So, did you enjoy the town?"
Owner: "Oh yes, busy though, when we went to see the colleges and all."
Clinician: "So you met the hundred and one Chinese and Japanese tourists! At least they're short enough you can see the sights over their heads..."
[everyone laughs]
Me: [amused] "I should probably point out that my future in-laws are Chinese."
Clinician: "Really?! Well, pretend I just said Japanese then."

Yay for entertaining company reps

Collected quotes from the speaker during his series of short talks this afternoon.

---

Self-satisfied tone, at the end of an MS-Paint animation showing how IgE should work to kill blood parasites -
"And our hero the mast cell ATTACKS, and the parasite is dead. Serves you right, you bad parasite."

---

"You could do [superfluous test], but that's just diagnostic masturbation."

---

Looking at a results panel to interpret acid-base balance -
"That's a pathetic attempt at respiratory alkalosis and that dog should be ashamed."

---

Speaker: "So this is a female Great Dane called Thelma. Fantastic name."
[students smile, but are visually bemused]
Speaker: "Come on! Haven't any of you ever seen Scooby Doo?"
Me: "... No, that's Velma. With a V."
Speaker: [crestfallen] "Really? I've been using this slide and giggling to myself about that for a couple of years now..."

---

Speaker: "Acid-base tends to be taught very poorly in vet schools -"
Student: "Ben teaches it!"
Speaker: "And how are your lectures?"
Ben: "... Pretty dry."

One from vet formal

Following [Anonymous]'s claim that her reputation had been ruined by a particular male...

Jacqui:
"It wasn't your reputation that was ruined. It was your kissing technique when you suctioned yourself to him like a Dyson."

The resident comedian

Resident Ben and resident Alan butt heads over their respective lifestyle choices. Jokingly. After several drinks.

Alan: At least I can have normal children.
Ben: I'll have normal children before you do.
Audience: Ohhh! Burn! etc.
Ben: Except, it'll be some random woman I don't know - oh wait!
Audience + Ben: Ohhh!
Ben: Well, I'll probably have to pay her - oh wait!
Audience + Ben: Ohhh!

at which point we were asked to leave the pub. Totally unrelated.

That's a new euphemism.

Anaesthetist meets an in-season bitch with a bloody vaginal discharge...

"Oh no! Are you dripping fahloolah blood everywhere?"