That's a bit harsh on the cat...

As we have rounds in the cat ward, a particularly noisy Siamese cat seeks our attention -

Ben: "Do you know, she sounds and looks exactly like Barbara Streisand..."

Well, that's all okay then

Talking to owners who had returned to collect their dog, having been touring the town centre to kill time during the day -

Clinician: "So, did you enjoy the town?"
Owner: "Oh yes, busy though, when we went to see the colleges and all."
Clinician: "So you met the hundred and one Chinese and Japanese tourists! At least they're short enough you can see the sights over their heads..."
[everyone laughs]
Me: [amused] "I should probably point out that my future in-laws are Chinese."
Clinician: "Really?! Well, pretend I just said Japanese then."

Yay for entertaining company reps

Collected quotes from the speaker during his series of short talks this afternoon.

---

Self-satisfied tone, at the end of an MS-Paint animation showing how IgE should work to kill blood parasites -
"And our hero the mast cell ATTACKS, and the parasite is dead. Serves you right, you bad parasite."

---

"You could do [superfluous test], but that's just diagnostic masturbation."

---

Looking at a results panel to interpret acid-base balance -
"That's a pathetic attempt at respiratory alkalosis and that dog should be ashamed."

---

Speaker: "So this is a female Great Dane called Thelma. Fantastic name."
[students smile, but are visually bemused]
Speaker: "Come on! Haven't any of you ever seen Scooby Doo?"
Me: "... No, that's Velma. With a V."
Speaker: [crestfallen] "Really? I've been using this slide and giggling to myself about that for a couple of years now..."

---

Speaker: "Acid-base tends to be taught very poorly in vet schools -"
Student: "Ben teaches it!"
Speaker: "And how are your lectures?"
Ben: "... Pretty dry."

One from vet formal

Following [Anonymous]'s claim that her reputation had been ruined by a particular male...

Jacqui:
"It wasn't your reputation that was ruined. It was your kissing technique when you suctioned yourself to him like a Dyson."

The resident comedian

Resident Ben and resident Alan butt heads over their respective lifestyle choices. Jokingly. After several drinks.

Alan: At least I can have normal children.
Ben: I'll have normal children before you do.
Audience: Ohhh! Burn! etc.
Ben: Except, it'll be some random woman I don't know - oh wait!
Audience + Ben: Ohhh!
Ben: Well, I'll probably have to pay her - oh wait!
Audience + Ben: Ohhh!

at which point we were asked to leave the pub. Totally unrelated.

That's a new euphemism.

Anaesthetist meets an in-season bitch with a bloody vaginal discharge...

"Oh no! Are you dripping fahloolah blood everywhere?"

The Joys of Vets

Libby: "I've got my big stick here - just need to shove it in there and do a lot of downloading."
Me: [failing to keep straight face]
Libby: "You should know, I say that to all the girls."

later

Me: "You'd think our sense of humour would have matured by now."
Libby: "Nope. 'Heehee, willies!' "

Yes, Really

Student: "I think [this cat] might be a bit wobbly from the buprenorphine."
Clinician: "Oh. Really?"

[cat falls over, coming to rest on its back with legs in the air]

Clinician: "... Maybe we'll reduce the dose."

Topic number one

Excerpt from email discussing what topics to present on the Soft Tissue Surgery rotation:

Caroline:
"At the moment I'm thinking of talking about the various methods of tube cystostomy, and when this is a good alternative to catheterisation - ie. the different ways and means of taking the piss."

One more from Farm

During discussion of a freemartin heifer that has, understandably, failed to conceive -

Student: "We could check if the AI was done properly."
[Male] Resident: "Well, I think you should know that I inseminated her myself."

[pregnant pause, students keep a straight face]
...
[moment appears to have passed]
...
[resident and clinician make eye contact]

Clinician: "pfffheeeee hee heeeeee..."

Presentation degradation

During a case presentation in rounds -

Nige: "So, he was to visit again for a recheck on the 2nd February, which is today... [dawning realisation] and... my mum's birthday... shit."

----

During a presentation on cat behaviour -

Katie: "Urine spraying is a natural behaviour -"
Dan: [giggles]
Katie: "Well, not for me, obviously..."

TMI

A clinician has been describing how a diabetic cat's skin lesions have been treated with topical honey -

Clinician: "It's no wonder his glucose is high. He's been poked and prodded and going to bed covered with honey, it's stressing him out. Wouldn't you be stressed?"

Resident: "I don't know; if you're not going to bed alone, it can be very interesting..."

My Comfort Comes First

On the road in a minibus packed full with 8 students, 2 CTSs and a clinician driving, the clinician winds down his window -

Resident: "It's cold! Why did you open the window?"
Clinician: "They're all steamed up - I need to see."
Resident: "Tch! [to students] Everybody, stop breathing!"

Well, that explains everything.

Farm animal vet:

"I knew a guy once who caught ringworm from eating creep feed. [dismissively] But he's from Yorkshire."

A Mammoth First Term Round-Up

How to do a SOAP check, according to Pete:

"Subjective: I think it's dead.
Objective: Yeah, it's dead.
Assessment: Dead.
Plan: Move to the PM room."

-----

Libby's summary of extramedullary haematopoesis in the spleen:

"So the spleen's just sitting there until the animal loses a load of blood, and then it goes 'Quick! Do something! IT'S MY TIME!' "

Spleens suffer from an inferior organ complex. Don't worry spleen, we still love you.

-----

During a self-led Equine quiz session:

Questioner: "How many pre-ejaculatory thrusts does a stallion make?"
Male student 1: "6?"
Male student 2: "3 to 4."
Questioner: "3 to 4 is right."
Male student 2: "I didn't know. I was just drawing from personal experience."

-----

During a repro mock-viva session with Nicky:

Nicky: "So, what would you do first in this case?"
Male student: "Vaginal exam?" [this is not the first time he's made that suggestion this session]
Nicky: "No foreplay for you then, you just get right in there..."

and later, when a vaginal exam was the appropriate choice:

Nicky: "And what would you do next?"
Same student: [proudly] "VAGINA."

The student later returned to the EDU to find his mug now had VAGINA!!! written on the name label.

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SA Clinician:
"Anyone with a particular interest in dermatology? [no hands raised] Ah, that's fine. Confessing to having an interest in dermatology at your age is a bit like having an interest in pensions."

-----

SA Clinician, re: a previous patient:
"The dog's 'grandmother' was a writer and a poet. That makes me indirectly famous as well."

-----

SA Clinician explaining how to find a vein:
"It's squodgy. Can you feel a squodginess?"

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Clinician: "Anyone got any day cases [to present]?"
Student: "You mean like... cases that were in for just a day?"
Clinician: [stares]

-----

Anaesthetist: "Fat dogs ventilate like shit."

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Student: "I think we only have four hips and six elbows..."
- regarding radiographs on display

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Clinician: "Can you think of any possible sequels to a haematoma?"<
Resident: "Like Haematoma 2?"