Warning: Students may spontaneously combust

Greg: "I spend a lot of time with kerosine in my mouth."
IM: "Isn't kerosine flammable?"
Greg: "That's kinda the point."


This followed a discussion of what could be suitable for uterine lavage in cows. Although it was generally agreed by the overwhelming number of women in the room that kerosine would be pretty awful to have lavaged into a uterus, Greg disagreed on account of his firebreathing experience.

Cow juice

The maximum allowed amount of cells allowed in milk in this country is 400,000 cells per ml... So, after discussing how many neutrophils would be in a cup of tea:

Greg: "That's why I don't drink milk!"
Karmen: "You eat stuff off the floor, and out of the bin. Shut up."

There are a few ways this simile could end...

Rachel: "People are like cards - one on its own won't stand up, but two will until some arse comes and shakes the table."

Innuendo Friday, Equine Style

These two beautiful gems were uttered during a (rather informal) practice viva session.

Clinician: "You know the youngsters, the teenagers. They get a spotty nose, spotty willy, spotty everything. Spotty teenager syndrome I call it."

Clinician: "It's got some anal pumping going on there for good measure."
Andrew: "It's not as good a phrase as anal winking..."

The Legendary Traffic Cone e-mail

This email deserved to be immortalised on this quote book forever more.


Dear All, If anyone has lost a small green case containing artery forceps, scissors, pen torch and a crumpled up cigarette (naughty!) - it was found on Friday behind the Livestock trailer by the canteen. Please mail me and I will get it back to you. ALSO... I have to report the loss of two traffic cones that are used to keep the space for the livestock trailer free while it is away. These were personalised cones, serving the Department diligently, without reward. They are like old friends to me. On the afternoon of Friday 3rd October, someone wilfully removed these cones during my absence and replaced them with a single cone of inferior quality. Please return my cones. If the cone thief wishes to preserve their anonimity, he/she may replace the cones through the side door of the trailer under cover of darkness. May your conscience be your guide...

Backchat

Elena: "I was going to say, 'You cannot call me gobby'... but then I realised that would make me look more gobby."

Everyone needs good neighbours

A certain clinician happens to live next door to several members of our group. This has lead to some rather interesting exchanges.
(Disclaimer - loosely phrased because my memory isn't that great)

Greg: "We're having a Christmas party again this year. You know, the ones that go on Do you want to come?"
Clinician: "Have you got a date?"
Greg: (looks slightly flattered and possibly slightly flustered which is unusal) "Well no, I, er you?"
Rest of the room: "No Greg, the day. Which day?"
Clinician: "Sorry Greg, you are very handsome and have very nice arms but not handsome enough to tempt me to the dark side."


James had been having difficulty finding a paper on drugs used in the treatment of endotoxaemia. A paper was effortlessly found by the clinician in question.
Clinician: (sarcastically) "Would you like me to read it to you?"
Fellow student: "You could come round tonight and read it as a bedtime story!"
James: "You could read it over breakfast!"

(Everyone laughed at the prospect of it being a sleepover. The fellow student's name is omitted for posterity and also because I can't remember exactly who said it. Input appreciated)

#Pop goes the caecum#

Following a discussion of how to monitor an inpatient for colic...

Student: "And... if he doesn't colic?"
Clinician: "We keep feeding him up."
Student: "Until he pops."
Clinician: "Well, hopefully we'd pick up on that..."

Defiled

Andrew: "I fixed your notes for you."
James: "Did you touch my notes? DID YOU TOUCH MY NOTES?!"
Andrew: "Well I ran out of ink so it's mostly a mixture of blood and saliva."

Later...

Andrew: "... and there's some lemon juice on them too. "

Well, there goes that patent

Following the discussion of an equine inpatient who had to have walks outside to graze, and whom buckets of grass were being picked for...

James: There should be a way to store grass.
Megan: It's called hay.

Does She?

Megan - "Sophie always likes to spit on it to lubricate it. She makes a show of it."

Megan there explaining how Soph takes a horse's temperature.

Aging by texture

Greg: "Dogs don't start getting crunchy until they're at least halfway."

Do what now?

While dividing up cases -

Megan: "Mary wants to do the hermaphrodite. [pause] Um. Not literally."

What fine eyes you have...

My eyes are a light, icy blue.

Greg: "I've only ever met one other person with the same colour eyes as you. I say person...It was a Husky."

Further neuro banter

Background: a strikingly-patterned cat has been more-or-less abandoned with us, with the owners seemingly avoiding contact. This was during a discussion of how to re-open lines of communication.

Neuro 1: "We should get some fake tiger fur from the market. Start sending them scraps in the mail."
Neuro 2: "Maybe stick a bit of strawberry jam on the back first..."

Neurologist banter

Loosely transcribed from what I can remember. The Neurologists shall remain anonymous.

Discussing the treatment of a difficult case:
Neurologist one: I was thinking of using Carbamazepine to treat this dog...
Neurologist two: You could, but it has no effect and it went out of fashion about 20 years ago.
Neurologist one: Some of us aren't old enough to remember that.
Neurologist two: Some of us are old enough to have have read the literature.

Later....
Neurologist one: I just wanted to ask your opinion. Now I've heard it and I choose to ignore it.

The next day, discussing a dog harness that Neurologist 2 was lending to Neurologist 3 for his dog.
Neurologist 2 (to the head nurse): By the way, this is my harness. My own personal harness.
Head nurse: I don't really want to know what you use it for....

The last five years made us cynical

The student canteen has been renovated over the summer to resemble a habitable break room.

Ellie: "The vet school is making an effort for us. Something bad is going to happen."

Greg: "Here's a new coffee machine... and here are your radio collars."

SPVS Lancaster

Some quotes from the final year seminar, for all those that missed out.

"Vets have a little bit of fluffy as well."

"If you learn absolutely nothing else from this session - always be neutral to call centre operatives."
Apparently they harass you more if you feign interest or get angry. I will have to try this.

"There are only two things you need to know about cardiology:
They're all going to be on all the drugs before they die, and, they're all going to die."

"How many of your cats are foreign?"
The speaker then proceeded to do a Bond villian-esque impression of a cat.

"Every kennel cough [vaccination appointment] is an opportunity to find somewhere else you can go."
Recommending that you talk to clients about where they are going on holiday when they bring their dog in.

That's one way to get the food in.

After consulting a bird expert re: an injured buzzard...

Receptionist:
"We need to feed it by putting a tube in through its... coccyx... or oesophagus... or something."

In denial

My sister, after I had informed her that one of her fostered hedgehogs was, in fact, male.

"No, she's a girl! I gave her a girl's name and I think of her as a girl so she is a girl!"

I can assure you, that is a completely different procedure

"Yes, [dog name] is here to be spaded."

Name withheld, for reasons of personal safety...

Commenting on the difference between one new, amiable equine clinician and her less-agreeable senior:

"At what point do you go from being human to being an equine vet?"

Lovely lady lumps?

Liz: "I miss seeing my bumps..."


(Referring to the rowing version of bumps, but hilarious out of context)

That's gotta chafe...

"Do you have any idea how uncomfortable it is cycling with no underpants on?"

(Overheard near the footpath to Granchester)

Recycling?

Rachel: "I'm going to go to the loo and refill my bottle."

Toxicology...

"the reason that is says "Do Not Eat" is that it is a Non-Food"

Ah, the warm glow of wisdom...

Lecturer quotes #2 - Insights from a pig vet

"If I run late, the best bits are at the end. I'm sorry, that's the way life is"

"Some records are like Harry Potter - mostly fiction."
A few people looked confused, trying to work out which parts of Harry Potter aren't fiction.

"Goodness me! I would hate to think what's going on in a boar's prepuce for half the year"
Not sure about anyone else, but I'd hate to think what's going on in there at any time.

"I can assure you that profound sunburn is a severe deterrent for active sex."

"It's a bit of a disadvantage to your breeding history if you're dead."

"What you can't fix with bailer's twine... probably isn't worth fixing at all."

No, but lots of things have manes.

There had been some interest in a Vet Record case report about a maned wolf. After a lengthy discussion of what a maned wolf looks like, Liz takes the magazine...

Liz (looking at a completely different page): "Ooh, it looks like a donkey."

Rule 1: There Is A Drug For Every Problem

Regarding a solidly-sleeping classmate a few minutes before the lecture was due to start...

Tom: "Quick, get the Antisedan!"

Lecturer quotes #1 - Jilly

"If your parrot loves you, it'll try to feed you, and if you don't open your mouth, it'll put it in your ear."

"Your parrot's a wanker, I'm sorry."

New Blog

A vet splinter group (yeah, another one) this time from the Quote Book, in an attempt to stop it being flooded with esoteric vetty quotes.

Neuro = last rotation = yay

Nick Jefferey, trying to get his dog to lie down for a neurological exam
(imagine all patiently said with the same intonation):

"Fred, down." [dog does nothing]
"Fred, down." [dog does nothing]
"Fred, down." [dog does nothing]
"Fred, down." [dog does nothing]
"Fred, down." [dog does nothing]
"Fred, down." [dog does nothing]
"Fred, down." [dog does nothing]
[he lifts Fred and forcefully lays the dog down on his side]
"Good boy, Fred!"

----

After being offered the chance to test tendon reflexes with a patella hammer:

Greg: "Nah, I've tapped a fair few dogs in my time. [pause] Ohhhh... that sounded terrible."

Woman. Lecturer. Legend.

A selection of quotes from an infamous female lecturer...

Telling us to keep nails trimmed for rectalling -
"You can have a gin hand and a rectal hand, but one arm needs to be short and shitty."

Describing the size of a mare's cervix -
"You've all seen the size of the end of a stallion's penis - you could stick your whole head in there!"

"Some people prefer to use chains, but I have ropes in my office."

"Now we all know penises are wonderful, but let's face it, they're dirty things."

"Ooh, I'm a very cheap date now."

"Like putting a hand down your shirt, or somebody else's... don't do it now. Later. No, not down my shirt."

"I'm very grateful he had blue balls."

"I am not going to mention any other end- ... ender- ... hormone things."

And finally, the oft-heard refrain (paraphrased):
"When I do my own revue I'll be taking the piss out of you lot and the stupid things students say."

Vet Chat

Please note most of the following are as accurately phrased as memory would allow...

----

Simon: I was at a camp once where they made this guy wax his own pubic hair... when he pulled it off he went [mimes grabbing at the area in pain] but then his hand got stuck and he had to rip that off too.

Phil: What kind of camp do you go to, Simon?!

Simon: Oh, I didn't go to it - I was in charge.

----

Chris and JP have been openly plotting for about 5 minutes, then:

Chris (to Simon): We're going to send a hundred pizzas to your hotel room.

JP: We could send a hundred pizzas and a prostitute.

Chris: Why not just send a hundred prostitutes?

Simon: If you're doing that can you send at least one pizza?

JP: They'll all be male prostitutes.

Simon: Well, I'll be able to have a night off.

----

Chris (re: his [ginger] beard): I was thinking of dying it blue. A nice deep aquamarine.

Simon: For camouflage among the dolphins?

Sophie: ...Dolphins have ginger beards?

----

JP (re: his beard, to Sophie): You're just jealous because you can't grow one.

Sophie (immediately): Yes I can! ... Um.

Why the clinical vets never forget him

Bainbridge: "Everything was better in my day - except the cannabis. That was crap."

Lecturers again

Re. A. pleuropneumoniae infection:
"Don't have time to eat. Don't have time to drink. Too busy dying."

and just randomly:
"Now remember, there's enough histamine in your bodies to kill you. Do NOT release all your histamine in one go. You'll be dead."

Our lecturers have odd ideas of "fun"

Lecturer #1:

"Hmm, we might think of getting some dead dog heads and having a fun afternoon... have a good laugh and do it all together."
Re: removing eyeballs.

Lecturer #2:

"Have you seen this? Let's watch it anyway; bit of light relief."
Re: video of pigs mating.

It made sense at the time, okay?!

Megan: "Fractures are caused by a Mel Gibson deficiency."

---------

Greg: (on his fast growth as a teenager) "I'm a broiler, what can I say."

---------

A lecturer attempts to explain the term "dudgeon" to Greg:
Lecturer: "You must have heard of someone being 'in high dudgeon'?"
Greg: "Yeah, I thought it was a place."

---------

A lecturer discusses foot placing to check a horse's proprioceptive ability:
"Some horses are very laid-back, like drunk people - you can put their legs in whatever position you like."
One wonders what she's done/had done to her under the influence...

---------

Greg: (on growth again) "I think my body realised I was going to be a proportionate dwarf, so it hit me with enough growth hormone to kill a small cow."


(Most of this was uttered during a veterinary public health seminar)

New term, new lecturer quotes.

Lecturer:

"Leptospirosis is a disease of lamp-posts."