Well, that's all okay then

Talking to owners who had returned to collect their dog, having been touring the town centre to kill time during the day -

Clinician: "So, did you enjoy the town?"
Owner: "Oh yes, busy though, when we went to see the colleges and all."
Clinician: "So you met the hundred and one Chinese and Japanese tourists! At least they're short enough you can see the sights over their heads..."
[everyone laughs]
Me: [amused] "I should probably point out that my future in-laws are Chinese."
Clinician: "Really?! Well, pretend I just said Japanese then."

Yes, Really

Student: "I think [this cat] might be a bit wobbly from the buprenorphine."
Clinician: "Oh. Really?"

[cat falls over, coming to rest on its back with legs in the air]

Clinician: "... Maybe we'll reduce the dose."

One more from Farm

During discussion of a freemartin heifer that has, understandably, failed to conceive -

Student: "We could check if the AI was done properly."
[Male] Resident: "Well, I think you should know that I inseminated her myself."

[pregnant pause, students keep a straight face]
...
[moment appears to have passed]
...
[resident and clinician make eye contact]

Clinician: "pfffheeeee hee heeeeee..."

TMI

A clinician has been describing how a diabetic cat's skin lesions have been treated with topical honey -

Clinician: "It's no wonder his glucose is high. He's been poked and prodded and going to bed covered with honey, it's stressing him out. Wouldn't you be stressed?"

Resident: "I don't know; if you're not going to bed alone, it can be very interesting..."

My Comfort Comes First

On the road in a minibus packed full with 8 students, 2 CTSs and a clinician driving, the clinician winds down his window -

Resident: "It's cold! Why did you open the window?"
Clinician: "They're all steamed up - I need to see."
Resident: "Tch! [to students] Everybody, stop breathing!"

A Mammoth First Term Round-Up

How to do a SOAP check, according to Pete:

"Subjective: I think it's dead.
Objective: Yeah, it's dead.
Assessment: Dead.
Plan: Move to the PM room."

-----

Libby's summary of extramedullary haematopoesis in the spleen:

"So the spleen's just sitting there until the animal loses a load of blood, and then it goes 'Quick! Do something! IT'S MY TIME!' "

Spleens suffer from an inferior organ complex. Don't worry spleen, we still love you.

-----

During a self-led Equine quiz session:

Questioner: "How many pre-ejaculatory thrusts does a stallion make?"
Male student 1: "6?"
Male student 2: "3 to 4."
Questioner: "3 to 4 is right."
Male student 2: "I didn't know. I was just drawing from personal experience."

-----

During a repro mock-viva session with Nicky:

Nicky: "So, what would you do first in this case?"
Male student: "Vaginal exam?" [this is not the first time he's made that suggestion this session]
Nicky: "No foreplay for you then, you just get right in there..."

and later, when a vaginal exam was the appropriate choice:

Nicky: "And what would you do next?"
Same student: [proudly] "VAGINA."

The student later returned to the EDU to find his mug now had VAGINA!!! written on the name label.

-----

SA Clinician:
"Anyone with a particular interest in dermatology? [no hands raised] Ah, that's fine. Confessing to having an interest in dermatology at your age is a bit like having an interest in pensions."

-----

SA Clinician, re: a previous patient:
"The dog's 'grandmother' was a writer and a poet. That makes me indirectly famous as well."

-----

SA Clinician explaining how to find a vein:
"It's squodgy. Can you feel a squodginess?"

-----

Clinician: "Anyone got any day cases [to present]?"
Student: "You mean like... cases that were in for just a day?"
Clinician: [stares]

-----

Anaesthetist: "Fat dogs ventilate like shit."

-----

Student: "I think we only have four hips and six elbows..."
- regarding radiographs on display

-----

Clinician: "Can you think of any possible sequels to a haematoma?"<
Resident: "Like Haematoma 2?"

This is why I keep going to rounds

 Whilst discussing the treatment plan for an icteric dog...

Clinician one: "Is the dog ill?"
Clinician two: "Well, she's bright yellow..."
Clinician one: "Millions of people in the world are yellow and they're not necessarily ill."

Looks can be deceiving

From Andrew's description:

Clinician: "Don't look so worried."
Andrew: "...That's just my face."