The resident comedian

Resident Ben and resident Alan butt heads over their respective lifestyle choices. Jokingly. After several drinks.

Alan: At least I can have normal children.
Ben: I'll have normal children before you do.
Audience: Ohhh! Burn! etc.
Ben: Except, it'll be some random woman I don't know - oh wait!
Audience + Ben: Ohhh!
Ben: Well, I'll probably have to pay her - oh wait!
Audience + Ben: Ohhh!

at which point we were asked to leave the pub. Totally unrelated.

One more from Farm

During discussion of a freemartin heifer that has, understandably, failed to conceive -

Student: "We could check if the AI was done properly."
[Male] Resident: "Well, I think you should know that I inseminated her myself."

[pregnant pause, students keep a straight face]
...
[moment appears to have passed]
...
[resident and clinician make eye contact]

Clinician: "pfffheeeee hee heeeeee..."

A Mammoth First Term Round-Up

How to do a SOAP check, according to Pete:

"Subjective: I think it's dead.
Objective: Yeah, it's dead.
Assessment: Dead.
Plan: Move to the PM room."

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Libby's summary of extramedullary haematopoesis in the spleen:

"So the spleen's just sitting there until the animal loses a load of blood, and then it goes 'Quick! Do something! IT'S MY TIME!' "

Spleens suffer from an inferior organ complex. Don't worry spleen, we still love you.

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During a self-led Equine quiz session:

Questioner: "How many pre-ejaculatory thrusts does a stallion make?"
Male student 1: "6?"
Male student 2: "3 to 4."
Questioner: "3 to 4 is right."
Male student 2: "I didn't know. I was just drawing from personal experience."

-----

During a repro mock-viva session with Nicky:

Nicky: "So, what would you do first in this case?"
Male student: "Vaginal exam?" [this is not the first time he's made that suggestion this session]
Nicky: "No foreplay for you then, you just get right in there..."

and later, when a vaginal exam was the appropriate choice:

Nicky: "And what would you do next?"
Same student: [proudly] "VAGINA."

The student later returned to the EDU to find his mug now had VAGINA!!! written on the name label.

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SA Clinician:
"Anyone with a particular interest in dermatology? [no hands raised] Ah, that's fine. Confessing to having an interest in dermatology at your age is a bit like having an interest in pensions."

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SA Clinician, re: a previous patient:
"The dog's 'grandmother' was a writer and a poet. That makes me indirectly famous as well."

-----

SA Clinician explaining how to find a vein:
"It's squodgy. Can you feel a squodginess?"

-----

Clinician: "Anyone got any day cases [to present]?"
Student: "You mean like... cases that were in for just a day?"
Clinician: [stares]

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Anaesthetist: "Fat dogs ventilate like shit."

-----

Student: "I think we only have four hips and six elbows..."
- regarding radiographs on display

-----

Clinician: "Can you think of any possible sequels to a haematoma?"<
Resident: "Like Haematoma 2?"

Yeah, it does

During a discussion with non-vet friends about the "just why would you choose to do that?" aspects of our relative career paths - 

Me: "Well, in the future I'll be putting my hand in a glove and putting it...up...things."
[brief pause]
Richard: "You know, I was trying to see the innuendo in that, and then I realised that's what your job actually involves."

Guess what this was about?

Megan:

"[annoyed muttering] If it won't mount we'll have to give it a name..."

Hard to swallow

Equine clinician: "Have you had anything hard that's too big to swallow in your mouth? It's quite uncomfortable. If you don't have warm water, you can just nibble on the end"

Advice on pre-warming plastic nasogastric stomach tubes before attempting to intubate a horse.

Innuendo Friday, Equine Style

These two beautiful gems were uttered during a (rather informal) practice viva session.

Clinician: "You know the youngsters, the teenagers. They get a spotty nose, spotty willy, spotty everything. Spotty teenager syndrome I call it."

Clinician: "It's got some anal pumping going on there for good measure."
Andrew: "It's not as good a phrase as anal winking..."

Does She?

Megan - "Sophie always likes to spit on it to lubricate it. She makes a show of it."

Megan there explaining how Soph takes a horse's temperature.

Neuro = last rotation = yay

Nick Jefferey, trying to get his dog to lie down for a neurological exam
(imagine all patiently said with the same intonation):

"Fred, down." [dog does nothing]
"Fred, down." [dog does nothing]
"Fred, down." [dog does nothing]
"Fred, down." [dog does nothing]
"Fred, down." [dog does nothing]
"Fred, down." [dog does nothing]
"Fred, down." [dog does nothing]
[he lifts Fred and forcefully lays the dog down on his side]
"Good boy, Fred!"

----

After being offered the chance to test tendon reflexes with a patella hammer:

Greg: "Nah, I've tapped a fair few dogs in my time. [pause] Ohhhh... that sounded terrible."

Woman. Lecturer. Legend.

A selection of quotes from an infamous female lecturer...

Telling us to keep nails trimmed for rectalling -
"You can have a gin hand and a rectal hand, but one arm needs to be short and shitty."

Describing the size of a mare's cervix -
"You've all seen the size of the end of a stallion's penis - you could stick your whole head in there!"

"Some people prefer to use chains, but I have ropes in my office."

"Now we all know penises are wonderful, but let's face it, they're dirty things."

"Ooh, I'm a very cheap date now."

"Like putting a hand down your shirt, or somebody else's... don't do it now. Later. No, not down my shirt."

"I'm very grateful he had blue balls."

"I am not going to mention any other end- ... ender- ... hormone things."

And finally, the oft-heard refrain (paraphrased):
"When I do my own revue I'll be taking the piss out of you lot and the stupid things students say."